“Three of us went to a fancy dress party in Glasgow last night dressed as a giant sandwich.
‘No’, he responded, ‘but I’ve got one I could aggravate for you'” – Chic Murray ‘In that case, have you got any wild duck?’. “I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. He decided to call his Scottish father-in-law the “Exorcist” because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear. “Is it really folk dancing?” “Ach yes, folk dancing and enjoying themselves!” – Stanley Baxter A great choice of venue: a place where people think Hepatitis B is a vitamin” – Frankie Boyle “We had the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow. The waiter replies: “Naw, yer quite right, that’s a scone.” When the Scottish waiter arrives with a tray of cakes, she asks, “Is that a scone, or a meringue?” The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home” – Billy Connolly One says, ‘Hey you, get off of my cloud!”, and the other says, ‘Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!’ – Reddit What is the difference between a Scottish sheep farmer and a Rolling Stones song? He will show you at the drop of a hat” – Fred MacCaulay “There will be a lot of people watching who will wonder what does a true Scotsman wear under his kilt, and I can tell you a true Scotsman will never tell you what he wears under his kilt. “In Glasgow, ‘how’ means ‘why’? You do not ponder why. “When serving an older Scottish man a tiny thimbleful of soup in a cafe, always double check that he said ‘just a soupçon’ & not ‘just a soup, son'” – Sanjeev Kohliĭidn't know Airdrie was bilingual. “Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace” – Billy Connolly A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
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